I can actually say I had the pleasure of dealing with NTL during my time at
WorldCom and I'm sorry I didn't come up with a letter like
this.....absolutely warranted! Very eloquent!
Marilise
>Subject: A letter that won a UK competition as Complaint Letter of the
>Year. (Bet there are a couple of SA companies we would all like to send
>this to!!)
>
>
>Dear Cretins,
>
>I have been an NTL customer since 9 July 2001, when I signed up for
>your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem and telephone. During this
>three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not
>previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
>monolithic proportions.
>
>Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue
>your professional perogative and seek to rectify these difficulties or -
>more likely (I suspect) - so that you can have some entertaining reading
>material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking
>vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
>
>My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
>spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
>technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
>minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
>annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
>website.... HOW?
>
>I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
>- an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept.
>The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
>although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
>such as a drill-bit and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had
>still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
>arrived... six weeks after I had requested it and begun to pay for it.
>
>I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
>between about 6pm - midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still
>waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to
>your no-help line and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of
>uninterested individuals, who are, it seems, also highly
>skilled bollock jugglers.
>
>I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
>will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
>will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
>whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
>that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
>answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
>transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
>Scottish robot woman... and several other variations on this theme.
>
>Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
>thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
>those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
>care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in
>print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
>
>Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
>
>I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
>godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be less
>interested and less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
>their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
>anyone else, is there? How surprised I was, therefore, when I discovered,
>to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment, what a useless
>shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended
>rectum incompetents of the highest order.
>
>British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of
>success in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
>inadequacy.
>
>Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to
>receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any
>potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
>the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
>deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
>disbelief and quickly replaced by derision and even perhaps bemused
>rage.
>
>I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's
>litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both
>you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
>desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
>posting and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
>experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
>very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL and its worthless employees.
>
>Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you
>irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
>
>John
>
>
>"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."
>- Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
>
________________________________________
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